The Best of The Crank In The Stands

12-2-92

In recent weeks your humble Crank has been carefully following the story of Cinncinnati's Marge Schott. As everyone knows by now Schott, the Sultana of Swastika, who was the Reds' leader in Hitlers last season, got into a little trouble with the press when she claimed that she'd rather have a "trained monkey" working for her than a black person, and admitted to owning some Nazi paraphernalia. Word has it that Schottzie II, Marge's only friend, felt slighted by placing second to a monkey and the other owners of major league baseball teams felt the need to censure her for her comments. But it's not like this came out of nowhere. For years Marge has been referring to the Reds' spring training facility as "mein kamp"and the only reason she puts up with Barry Larkin is that he plays SS. From my seats, it looks like big league baseball hasn't come very far from Casey Stengel referring to Elston Howard (the first black Yankee) as "eightball", or Al Campanis' swimming commentary of the last decade. Actions speak louder than words, and fining or punishing a big mouth owner is not as significant as hiring minority persons in off-field positions. They should also lower the price of beer while they're at it.

Speaking about New England, I've often wondered why Florida and Connecticut were the only two states in the Union which permitted Jai Alai. Jai Alai (Hi-Lie) is like racquetball with a mean streak, where a really hard ball is thrown at speeds approaching 140 miles per hour and is caught with a wicker glove. The game is very popular in South America and the main reason is that the spectator places parimutuel wagers on the players. I suspect that this factor is the reason for the sport's ban in 96% of the country. If you are looking for a fun night, go to Hartford some night and watch some Jai Alai. Also look at the crowd. Basically they all look like they stepped out of the studios of "America's Most Wanted". The Crank hasn"t seen so many parolees in one place since he went to visit his in-laws at Thanksgiving. Also, many of the players are young men from Connecticut. Not being from the Nutmeg State, I don't understand where they get into the game. Is there Little League Jai Alai? Do they play it in gym class? If you know the answer to this question, please write to me at Box 825 Hampshire College.

11-4-92

The view from here is that the NHL is screwing up in its attempt to eliminate so called goons from the sport. They want to make it more attractive (meaning safer) to European players to play in North America. The Crank says that there are already too many foreigners in the sport what with all of those Canadians skating around, and that if the Russkies and Finns and Swedes have a problem playing with the big boys, then who needs them. The point of the game is for five big, toothless guys to skate around and hit each other with wooden sticks. As it is the number of fights is down this year (I think that there only about three per game now), and as a result the game is boring. If I want to see skating I'll get a ticket to Disney on Ice. I go to hockey games for blood, and while this might be news to the NHL, so does everyone else. Some people argue that the violence is the reason why hockey isn't shown on network television. This is false. ABC doesn't get high ratings for NASCAR races because of all the Chevrolet fans out there; they get ratings because people want to see Southerners die a fiery death in two tons of burning steel. Wake up! The more fights there are, the better the game will be. Remember, you heard it here first.

Speaking of baseball, here is the promised All-Star team of players with women's names:

1b:Chick Gandil

2b: Nellie Fox

3b: Kelly Gruber

ss:Lena Balckburne

rf: Sherry Magee

cf: Baby Doll Jacobson

lf:Candy Maldonado

c: Jody Davis

rhp:Tracy Stallard

lhp:Babe Ruth

Manager:Connie Mack

Okay, the Crank had to stretch on some of these names, but this list was much harder to compile than I would have thought. Not that there was a shortage of names, on the contrary many players have feminine names. The trouble is that they all played catcher and first base. I'm not sure why this is, but if anyone has any ideas, please call me at (413) 584-5522.

11-11-92

Welcome to the cheap seats. This week the ol' Crankster is writing to you from halftime of the Monday Night Football Game. Does anyone remember the last time there was a good Monday Night Football Game? Or for that matter, a good nighttime football game? There is a reason for your inability to recall such a simple thing. There has never been a good football game played at night . If the Crank had his way, night games in football would be abolished. Which brings us to this week's topic: "If I were Commissioner of every sports league, what would I change?"

Starting alphabetically with baseball, there are very few rules which I would change, as the National Pastime is very close to perfect. However, as Commissioner of Baseball I would ban V neck uniform jerseys, allow only black shoes, play all World Series games in the day time, and prohibit relief pitchers from winning the Cy Young Award. I would also authorize stadium guards to shoot to kill any and all so-called "fans" who do the wave. Such persons are clearly not true fans, and they are taking up spaces which people who are not lemmings could occupy.

In basketball, there are a few more rules which I would alter. Sartorially speaking, I would authorize all players to wear undershirts. I mean, am I the only one who gets turned off looking at close up shots of hairy armpits all night long? It's disgusting. That's the first thing. Basically the Crank's problem with basketball is that he doesn't like these high scoring games. He prefers a tight game, say 45-42. One way to lower the score would be to eliminate all contact fouls. I would still penalize traveling and double dribbling, but a good clean hack across the chops while attempting to block a shot isn't such a bad thing in the larger scheme of things. In a further attempt to enhance defense, I would allow players to "pants" their opponents. Let me tell you, hot dogs like Michael Jordan won't be scoring 50 -60 points a game if they spend all of their time pulling up their shorts. I would also permit, in addition to a twenty second time out, a once per game "throw a bucket of water on the referee" time out per coach. This would bring some of the popularity of the Harlem Globetrotters to the NBA, as well as show those refs that they're not such hot stuff.

In football, there is much to be done. First (actually second, first I would eliminate night games) I would decriminalize many penalties which only make the game weaker and effete. People come to football games to see big guys in whiplash collars get driven off the field in golf carts, screaming for their mothers and more steroids, not to see the Foxboro players' version of "Swan Lake". I would bring back tearaway jerseys like they had in the seventies. I would also encourage tackling by the face mask and permit spearing, which may increase the amount of paralyzing accidents, but think of the highlight films! I would also see to it that the in the grasp rule and roughing the kicker rules were eliminated. I doubt that I'm the only fan who thinks that those blow dried prima donnas and five foot tall Mexicans should face the same risks as the men on the field. Lastly, I would take that fat guy in those stupid CBS commercials who says "I'm a real fan" and use his mouth as a kickoff tee. What a stupid ad. But it is CBS, after all.

Finally, I would turn my attention to hockey. As I noted last week, the appeal of hockey is not the pretty figure skating, but the appeal of big toothless foreigners whacking each other with wooden sticks. Lately, many people seem to think that the way to increase hockey's popularity is to eliminate fighting and other violence. They are wrong, because the only appeal to hockey is violence, without it, the sport is soccer on ice, and everyone hates soccer. In hockey, I would eliminate the" third man in" rule. This rule gives a game misconduct to the third player in a fight. I would give the third man in a $500 bonus, as well as penalize the team which didn't send in another combatant with a 2 minute minor for unsportsmanlike conduct. I would also encourage high-sticking, slashing, and the throwing of freign objects onto the ice by fans. To give you an idea of how lame hockey is, let's consider Mario Lemieux. He is the sole reason why the Penguins have won two straight Stanley Cups. For the cost of a five minute penalty, the Penguins' opponents could eliminate the nuber one scoring thret in the league by slashing him and breaking his ankles. That they don't only shows that the NHL is full of sissy players who don't want to win. That would be the first thing the Crank would change if he came down from the cheap seats to the Commissioner's box. Well, that's about all for this article. I'm going to get back to the second half of Monday Night Football, and count how many times Dan Dierdorf says something that doesn't make any sense. See you next week in the stands!

3-1-93

Welcome to the cheap seats. This week your friendly neighborhood Crank is writing to you from Florida, home of Spring Break U.S.A. and major league baseball spring training. You know, the Crank's been coming down to the Sunshine State every March for the last twenty five years. Ever since college days at Ball State when I spent spring break taking in spring training games and smuggling Havana cigars in my speedboat The Bonhomme Richard. But that's another story. You know, back then you could go to an exhibition game for a dollar. Nowadays, the average Floridian can't even pay admission unless he wants to spend his entire Social Security check. The view from here is that spring games should be free, players should wear full uniforms (not batting practice jerseys) and leave those mesh backed caps for bushers and truck drivers.

The Crank was just in Lakeland Fla. (a real armpit) checking out those Cinncinnati Redlegs. One of the last things which Marge "the Sultana of Swastika" Schott did before leaving for her suspension was to unveil new uniforms for the Reds. Like many teams, these new unis hearken back to the 1940's. They are black, with a white patch on the sleeve, with a red emblem on it, with peaked black caps bearing the smiling "Mr. Red Death's Head" logo. Also, all players will wear high top, jackboot spikes. Apparently some people appreciated it when Marge shot her mouth off. A man recently sent her $17,000 towards her fine of $25,000 with a note expressing his approval of the Sultana's pro first ammendment stance. Hey buddy wake up: she wasn't standing up for the first amendment, she was being a racist. And she doesn't need money, she's a millionaire. I think that the unknown benefactor should have sent his money as a contribution to President Clinton, instead of the Reds' Reichsfuhrer. One more thing, despite rumors to the contrary, it is not true that Cinncinnati players have been ordered to goosestep to first after a base on balls. What will people think of next?

Another popular topic down here is how soon it will take for the Red Sox to self-destruct this season. The view from the cheap seats is that they already did when they let go Wade Boggs, the best hitter in the game. So long Wade, I'll miss all those times you and Margo came over for beer and chicken dogs. Good luck.

It seems like lots of players with funny names are getting injured. Hey Kelly Gruber, Zane Smith, and all the others. What's the matter with Phil or Bob? Get with it!

The Crank was watching 60 Minutes the other week and saw Steve Kroft's piece on St. Petersburg, the city which built itself the world's biggest domed stadium and still can't get anyone to play there except for Warrant and arena football teams. The report basically said that major league owners were a bunch of crooks, and that baseball was a business. This is investigative journalism? I guess the honchos at CBS wanted to scold the owners for sticking them with the dumb broadcast rights contract which CBS offered of it's own free will in 1990. I think that what Steve Kroft needs is an explosive charge wired to his side mounted fuel tank, if you know what I mean. What a doofus.

That's about all from here. I've got to go out to the pool area of my hotel and watch the Smith College wet t-shirt contest now. But I'll be down here in Florida for another few weeks, reporting on baseball, and gloating over the warm weather while you saps in Noho freeze your butts off. See you next week in the warm seats.

3-21-93

You heard it here first, the Philadelphia Phillies will win the World Series in 1993. Place your bets now.

The Crank is not sure what all the fuss is over the football coach in California who was fired for letting his players sleep with his wife. The view from this Barcalounger is that any coach who 1) lets his players have sex, 2) provides the requisite woman, and 3) it's his wife is the kind of man I would give unswerving loyalty to. This kind of behavior should be emulated, not discouraged.

Speaking of football, before all the New Jersey Jets fans get carried away, if Boomer Esiason was any good, he'd still be with the Bengals, and they would be good. He's not, they're not, and neither are the Jets. The last time the Jets won a Super Bowl, the Crank was at Firebase Zulu in 'Nam, and the view from here is that they won't win again until he goes back. In other words, never.